Speak to Children Together in a Neutral Way

No two divorces are the same and not all divorces are amicable. Even during a divorce mediation, tensions and emotions can still run high. But, if at all possible, you can arrange to speak to the children together, it is ideal. And, while explaining it, it is vital to keep the tone neutral without playing the blame game. This is not a time to argue about your issues in front of the kids or tell them the mistakes the other has made. This can only make the situation more difficult for them.

Keep Your Explanation Simple & Age Appropriate

When telling your children you are divorcing, it is important to keep the explanation child-friendly and to use age-appropriate language. While it is a mature and complex subject, don’t use big words they cannot understand. And, pause throughout to ask if they understand what you are saying. It is also a good idea to explain logistical things like where each parent will be living and where the child will be living due to the change.

Keep Calm

When you are telling your children that you are divorcing, it is best for their mental and emotional well-being that you remain as calm as possible. Things like screaming, arguing, or crying will upset everyone involved and can lead to blaming each other or oversharing about problems in front of children which they do not need during this confusing time. If you are calm, your child will have a chance to feel their own feelings and ask questions. Additionally, your child may react emotionally, and this is understandable. It’s important that they feel supported rather than reprimanded for not knowing how to respond to this complex situation.

It’s important to understand the difference in emotional intelligence a child can have depending on their age. School-aged children may show distress in the form of fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness. They may also display more clear-cut signs that they are missing one of their parents. Some may even wonder what they can do to reconcile the relationship between their parents. This is something to watch out for. They may blame themselves for the divorce, not understanding that this was an adult decision and that their actions didn’t play a part in the divorce. Children who fantasize about a reconciliation or conjure up ways to help their parents reconcile may have more difficulty with the process of healing and healthily adjusting post-divorce.

Although older kids and teens have more of an ability to understand how they are feeling, it does not mean that they will express those feelings. If you feel your child in this age group is distressed, but won’t speak about it, it may be up to you to open the dialogue. Sometimes it is best to ask about their feelings indirectly as opposed to directly. Asking a direct question, such as “Are you sad?” can come off as threatening. An indirect statement to open up dialogue, such as, “Some kids feel angry, sad, or afraid after their parents get divorced”, is less threatening.

It’s hard to maintain normal good parenting when you are grieving a lost relationship and preoccupied with lawyers and court dates. Do your best to keep the adult issues separate from your interactions with your children, and get outside help like counselling if you need it. When it comes to your children, do everything you can to help them feel supported and loved throughout the process.