When a couple decides to divorce, negative emotional/thought patterns may take root that are neither productive for either party or any children involved. Ending a relationship you may have spent years in may be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with numerous contradictory feelings that may make people act regrettably. These feelings can be specific to the individual who initiates the divorce and the individual who receives the decision to divorce. Many times, the initiator will be fearful, relieved, distanced, impatient, resentful, doubtful or guilty. On the other hand, the receiver might feel shocked, betrayed, powerless, victimized, insecure, and angry. They may feel as if they’re self-esteem took a blow, have a desire to “get even” or wish to reconcile. A lot of these feelings are counterproductive to an amicable divorce as well as moving forward in life. Try to avoid these negative emotional/thought patterns:

Pointing Blame

There are emotional stages that accompany most every serious breakup. Divorce mediators can understand these stages and suggest coping mechanisms to help reduce emotional pain and perhaps stop either party from making regrettable decisions. If you’re going through a divorce, it’s truly important for you to understand that your relationship did not fall apart over night. It likely did not occur over one incident nor is one party fully to blame. Understanding this will be important when coping with the emotional phases you experience. Whether you are the individual who is initiating the divorce or the individual who is receiving the news that your partner wants a divorce, neither of you are fully at fault. If you start to point blame either at your soon-to-be ex-spouse or yourself, you’re only causing emotional turmoil. It’s almost like trying to put together a puzzle with warped pieces – it’s simply a waste of time. You’re better off leaving the puzzle pieces where they fell and moving on.

Creating Justifications & Embellishing Flaws

You may want more than anything to move on. The thought of being rejected by or losing the one person you believed to be your sole partner in life can be extremely scary, and you’ll likely want to protect yourself from that feeling of rejection or loss.

Pointing blame, or fault finding, is a form a justification for your divorce. There’s no reason for you to dwell on or embellish your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s faults. Understandably, this thought pattern may make you feel better in the interim and diminish that feeling of rejection or loss. You’re protecting your own self-esteem by telling yourself “you deserve better”. You may actually deserve better, but dwelling on this won’t help you get through the divorce with your emotional strength intact. It’s better to simply accept the fact that you need someone different as opposed to deserving someone better as a life partner.

Both partners may go through a phase of finding flaws in their soon-to-be ex-spouse so they don’t feel guilt over the divorce or pain over the loss. You may let the negative memories of your time together outweigh the good. It’s important that you’re strong when facing the fact that you are divorcing someone who was an important aspect of your life. Embellishing their flaws won’t help you move on or divorce in an amicable fashion. In fact, it may cause you to be more critical and skeptical of significant others in your future. Try your best not to take on this type of mindset. It likely won’t make you feel much better, either.

Complete Rationalization

Some individuals going through divorce may even rationalize that their entire relationship with their soon-to-be ex-spouse was wholly unpleasant. If your marriage truly was wholly unpleasant, than this isn’t a rationalization. But if it wasn’t wholly unpleasant, this type of rationalization, even if it frees you of some degree of pain, simply isn’t healthy. It can hinder emotional healing post-divorce and make it difficult to move on into another relationship without automatically expecting disappointment.

Those going through divorce that recognize themselves stuck repeating these negative emotional/thought patterns can benefit from seeking out a divorce counselor. Divorce mediation can also be a considerably beneficial approach to divorce for couples who are experiencing these types of negative emotional/thought patterns. An experienced divorce mediator may be able to recognize these patterns taking place and suggest different ways of thinking about the divorce and entering a new lifestyle, including what it might be like to go from being a parent to a co-parent.