The breakdown of a marriage isn’t a walk in the park for anyone involved. In fact, it can come as such a shock to the human psyche that this shock is broken up into several stages, from the pain of divorce to the growing acceptance of it. We’d like to discuss some of the stages that take place when a marriage starts to fall apart.

Stage 1: Disillusionment (sometimes 1-2 years before divorce)

• Disillusionment can take place for one party (who will likely become the initiator of the divorce) or both parties involved in the breakdown of a marriage.
• There may be vague feelings of discontentment, arguments that flare up, resentments that are stored away, and a growing lack of trust.
• There may be problems that are real, likely clear to one party or to both, but simply not discussed or acknowledged.
• A couple may distance themselves emotionally, beginning to feel a lack of mutuality
• One or both partners may confidentially entertain the idea of a divorce
• One or both partners may start to develop a strategy for separation
• One or both partners may have feelings of fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, or grief

Stage 2: The Expression Of Dissatisfaction (8-12 months before divorce)

• One or both partners may express their discontent or ambivalence toward the other
• There may be an attempt for reconciliation, such as marriage counseling which may be accompanied by a honeymoon phase, which may be a forceful last effort at keeping the marriage together.
• There may be feelings of relief now that dissatisfaction has been revealed, but there may also be feelings of tension, guilt, anguish, doubt, and grief

Stage 3: Deciding On Divorce (6-12 months before divorce process)

• One or both parties may create an emotional distance, knowing that divorce is on is being considered, wanting to detach slowly as to protect one’s self from being overwhelmed with grief and loss
• There may be a likelihood for an affair to take place since divorce is imminent and has been thought about.
• If one party doesn’t want a divorce, but knows it may lie ahead in the future, they may feel denial, depressed, rejected, and angry
• Both parties may feel victimized by the other, which may be a form of a Freudian coping mechanism referred to as “projection” (placing blame on the other party)
• Both parties may feel anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family and the future, impatience with the other, and neediness

Stage 4: Acting On Divorce (The beginning of the legal process)

• When divorce is acted upon, the following may take place:
• Physical separation
• Emotional separation, which may be complicated or triggered by emotional flareups
• A redefinition of one’s self-concept/self-orientation
• Making the decision public
• Setting the tone for the process of divorce, as in getting legal advice and setting legal precedent over matters such as children, support, property and finances
• There may be a divided loyalty between friends and family
• Children may feel responsible, behave in ways to try to reconcile their parents depending on what age and level of maturity they are at
• One or both parties may feel traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, or histrionics

Stage 5: Acceptance (During the legal process or after)

• Both physical and emotional adjustments are made
• One or both parties may accept that the marriage was unfulfilling and simply not right
• One or both parties may regain a sense of power and control over their lives, their future, and their identity, discovering new talents and resources

Stage 6: Beginning Anew (After divorce is resolved)

• Both parties may have moved beyond the blame and anger they held onto and replace that with forgiveness, new respect, new roles etc.
• Both parties may experience a fresh insight into life

It’s important to note that not all divorcees experience these stages in the same way. It’s also important to note that these stages are normal. Divorce Mediation can help individuals cope through stages 4-6, helping them accept the fact that the marriage simply wasn’t right, that it’s likely neither are fully to blame, and that it’s simply time to recreate their lives.