Any major change in life is scary. Our survival instincts naturally cause us to fear the unknown. Few things however, can be as life changing as a divorce. While ultimately this major change is necessary for many to move forward with their life, it is still undoubtedly scary. 

On top of that, it is a very emotional and sometimes irate scenario. Even if you are going through a divorce mediation, where both parties come to agreements on divorce matters, tensions can still run high and it still may be hard to keep a clear head. Oftentimes, your spouse may tell you lies that can cause legitimate fear and doubts about how the divorce will turn out. We are here to set the matter straight and debunk three common myths your spouse may tell you, or you may tell yourself. Hopefully, this will put you more at ease in moving forward with your divorce mediation.

Myth 1: You Will Get No Money

Oftentimes in relationships, one spouse is the breadwinner where they make significantly more, if not all, of the money that goes into the relationship. One spouse may work full-time, while the other one may stay-at-home to help with the household and raise a family. 

In a divorce, the monied spouse may tell you “you will get nothing,” or “I won’t give you any money.” This can be a scary thing to hear, because you have relied on your spouse’s finances to survive, and now you worry that you will be cut off.

However, just because one person worked for it, doesn’t mean it’s theirs alone. Equitable distribution is about following the law of the land; meaning that no one is giving anything. It’s dividing your assets between you both. Both parties have rights and responsibilities for whatever was accrued or lost during the marriage, regardless of whose name is on the asset or debt.

Myth 2: You Will Lose Your Kids

Just like one party may make most of the money in the relationship, oftentimes one party has a more prominent presence in parenting the children. Because of this, something similar may happen as Myth 1, where your spouse may tell you “I’ll never let you see the kids/have overnights/have 50%,” etc.

This is perhaps even scarier than the first myth, because you love your kids and the thought of losing them is terrifying. However, just like with money, no single party is “allowing” or “letting” the other party do anything. Your children are just as much yours as they are your spouses. In a divorce mediation, both parents will establish a parenting schedule based upon what is best for the children.

Myth 3: You Will Be Homeless

It’s true, a divorce is a huge change someone can go through in life. After a divorce, families have to expand to two households and that can be economically taxing. Maybe you haven’t worked for many years and feel like you need to find a job now. And that’s where our fear of the unknown kicks in. When faced with loss and uncertainty, it’s only natural to lose our rationale and entertain the worst case scenario.

As a divorce mediator, I have personally never had one of my clients go homeless. The best way to tackle this major life change is to go through with it with a level head. Remember, in a mediation, all matters are agreed upon by both parties, so you won’t be left in the dust and end up on the streets.

How to Deal with These Myths

It’s easier said than done to keep our emotions in check when going through an emotionally taxing process such as a divorce. That’s why it’s important to develop habits that will help you navigate these emotions, these doubts and these myths. And when these myths are thrown in your face by your spouse, it can be very easy to let that escalate.

It’s important to do what you need to do to maintain a calm rather than fuel a fire. When tensions get high, take some deep breaths, take a walk, or shower. Regroup later on and make space for the other to do the same. Even if your spouse continues to lie or make threats, do not give in and give those lies life and weight. Being aggressively silent doesn’t help either, just respond in a neutral, passive way that allows it to fall and die.

Finally, don’t take these lies personally, or literally. You may hear some tough things, but don’t let them carry weight in your mind. Remember the facts regarding the process, and use that to find a sense of peace. Divorce is tough, but it can be easier if you know what to expect and keep your mind as level-headed as possible.