When you feel like you’ve poured so much time into a relationship only to experience it dissolve, staying positive is difficult. Most individuals who are unexpectedly told the words “I want a divorce” become pretty bitter toward their significant other, or soon-to-be ex-spouse. And that feeling of abandonment may hurl you into bad habits that inhibit the healing process of divorce. Here are 5 bad habits – generally fueled by anger, resentment, and even self-loathing – that you should stop so you can heal emotionally following a divorce:

Stop Trying To Figure Out “What Went Wrong”

Dr. Katherine Loflin, a practiced marriage and family therapist, draws a fantastic analogy on just how futile it is to keep questioning how your relationship may have gone wrong. She writes, “When someone is trying to survive in the desert, they don’t spend a lot of energy and brainpower on how they ended up there and how unfair it is. Instead, they focus on getting out — on surviving.”

She writes about the idea of a “Survival Mode”. After a divorce, your main priority should be self-care and self-healing, keeping your priorities straight and your emotions together. This is your “Survival Mode”, and after a divorce is resolved, trying to figure out why the marriage dissolved in the first place may affect this. Ruminating on the past, weighing the good and the bad in a relationship that’s over with, or placing blame is considerably self-punishment in comparison to just moving on. Some relationships are just not meant to be. Even if you or your ex-spouse weren’t meeting each other’s marital expectations, no one is to blame. Yes, something may have went wrong. But there’s no point in trying to figure out what. Even knowing what went wrong won’t necessarily help you in your healing process.

Stop Wearing The Spouse Hat

If you’re still viewing the world as if you’re a spouse after a divorce, you need to stop. When you’re married, you tend to do your best to make your significant other a happier person. You may be trying to make them a better mother or father, or just a happier, healthier person in general. This can be a problem if you and your ex-spouse are co-parenting. If your ex-spouse’s idiosyncrasies as a parent bothered you when you were together, they’re likely to bother you even more when you’re apart and it’s their day with your child. You can’t let this get to you. Your ex-spouse has to be themselves – you are no longer in charge of trying to better their lives. Of course, if you have a real worry regarding your ex-spouse’s parenting etiquette (ie. they drink in front of your child), you should seek legal help. But it’s also make sure your spouse isn’t trying to get your child to dislike you in any way.

All in all, don’t let your spouse’s actions continue to bother you. They’re no longer yours, and you’re no longer theirs. It’s time to stop wearing the “Spouse Hat”.

Stop Thinking Karma Is On Your Side

It’s understandable if you feel you’ve been extremely wronged. You want the world to come crashing down on your ex-spouse, too. You can’t do it yourself, but you believe karma will come along and do it for you. Don’t think this way. Life can be unfair, and the people closest to you in life can make it unfair. It’s terrible, but ruminating over this and hoping something bad will happen in your ex-spouse’s life just isn’t worth it. Focus on bettering your own life and wellbeing. Your life may not be pieced together right away, but if you focus on self-betterment every day, eventually it will.

Stop Bashing Your Ex-Spouse On Social Media

Both your kids and your lawyer will thank you. You may be tempted to air out your anger and resentment on social media. You’ll get more attention, right? You’ll feel justified in your anger if others on Facebook comment and react to your post, right? It’s not worth it. Social media lasts forever, and it’s a bad look to air out your resentments online. Save yourself the trouble – it won’t help you in the healing process. If anything, you’ll just end up feeling guilty after you’ve actually gone through the healing process.

Stop Forgetting That You Are An Example

Remember that your children learn vicariously through you. They learn important life lessons by seeing how you deal with life and how you face disappointment and reality. It’s up to you to conquer this challenge, not just for you, but for your children as well.